THE DEPRESSION EDITION:
To kick this off, I'm diving deep. I don't do surface relationships, I don't do small talk and I take pride in being open and honest in all things, always. So here's the introduction to todays topic: depression.
I started struggling with depression and anxiety at age thirteen. I hated myself and my reflection. I would look at myself in the mirror and cry because I didn't want to be reminded of my existence. I heard so many voices in my head, convincing me of what a shitty person I was, that I was convinced I was going insane. That meant I pushed everyone close to me away, to "protect" them.
This all sounds ridiculous writing this now, but that was my reality.
Multiple times I even contemplated jumping off of the roof at my workplace, but every time I got close to making that decision, someone showed up. I now know that this was immense grace and protection over my life, but at the time - it felt like my pain was being prolonged.
I get asked a lot why I was depressed or what triggered it, and I don't really recall a specific incident. I just remember waking up one morning with all these thoughts of wanting to die, and assuming it was just the way I was.
I didn't have people I could talk to about it, or I felt I couldn't talk to them about it. I had very surface level relationships, and the few that went deep - ended poorly, with them taking advantage of my mental state and loyalty.
The next four years went by in a haze. That feeling was my constant. I had moments of relief, but they were few and far between. I eventually made some real friendships and was able to start talking about things honestly, but that didn't offer any solution. It just brought some comfort. Which was everything in those days when I thought I was totally alone. The alcohol helped. The nights of not needing to be alone at a bar, it helped.
But when I moved to the UK, I noticed that drinking six double gin and tonics per night, five nights a week when you're on your own is much sadder than when you're surrounded by others trying to fight against their feelings too.
I decided something had to be done. I didn't stop drinking, but I started fighting back the urge and I did minimise it. I decided only to drink in social situations, which actually ended up forcing me to actually leave the four walls of my house. I decided to speak very openly and publicly about my struggle with depression, and I found myself a community online of people who struggled with similar stuff. But again, these were just bandaids to be open wound that was bleeding out.
Many, many, many events happened that sent me into further spirals and because I didn't feel I had a purpose in life, I had no reason to fight that spiral. I had friends in Plymouth that helped to the best of their ability, but ultimately I was the one who needed to stand up on my own two feet, I couldn't rely on others who didn't struggle with the same things to bring me out of the pit.
I then met Kieran. And two weeks into our relationship, a friend of mine died. This was the first time that I didn't decide to drown my sorrow with alcohol, and I had someone who held my hand through that pain. In that moment, I had something worth fighting for.
My work situation didn't help my depression. Living in Plymouth, away from family, didn't help the situation. So we decided to move to Finland, to finally get me help and start life from a fresh slate.
We moved to Finland, and it helped almost immediately, but I still had very difficult anxiety attacks and depression days every few weeks. But instead of daily, it was every few weeks. And that was a huge relief after YEARS of constant pain.
Fast forward two years of living in Finland..
I asked for help. I started accepting terms for some of the things that had happened over the course of my life. I started accepting my past and choosing to move forward. I sought professional help. I pursued Jesus. And I can now say that with the help of daily rituals, a bunch of miraculous healing, and of course, a support structure - this month marks a full year without any anxiety / panic attacks, and no depression days.
This is the first year that I feel fully myself, ready to live life fully in freedom. But that's for another post.
Here's me saying that if you're struggling - you're not alone. Choose to fight. Choose to push those lies away and choose truth. You are beautiful, wonderful, talented and you have people who love you. Surround yourself with those people and no matter how much it hurts, choose to focus on the good around you. Choose to live. x
I get asked a lot why I was depressed or what triggered it, and I don't really recall a specific incident. I just remember waking up one morning with all these thoughts of wanting to die, and assuming it was just the way I was.
I didn't have people I could talk to about it, or I felt I couldn't talk to them about it. I had very surface level relationships, and the few that went deep - ended poorly, with them taking advantage of my mental state and loyalty.
The next four years went by in a haze. That feeling was my constant. I had moments of relief, but they were few and far between. I eventually made some real friendships and was able to start talking about things honestly, but that didn't offer any solution. It just brought some comfort. Which was everything in those days when I thought I was totally alone. The alcohol helped. The nights of not needing to be alone at a bar, it helped.
But when I moved to the UK, I noticed that drinking six double gin and tonics per night, five nights a week when you're on your own is much sadder than when you're surrounded by others trying to fight against their feelings too.
I decided something had to be done. I didn't stop drinking, but I started fighting back the urge and I did minimise it. I decided only to drink in social situations, which actually ended up forcing me to actually leave the four walls of my house. I decided to speak very openly and publicly about my struggle with depression, and I found myself a community online of people who struggled with similar stuff. But again, these were just bandaids to be open wound that was bleeding out.
Many, many, many events happened that sent me into further spirals and because I didn't feel I had a purpose in life, I had no reason to fight that spiral. I had friends in Plymouth that helped to the best of their ability, but ultimately I was the one who needed to stand up on my own two feet, I couldn't rely on others who didn't struggle with the same things to bring me out of the pit.
I then met Kieran. And two weeks into our relationship, a friend of mine died. This was the first time that I didn't decide to drown my sorrow with alcohol, and I had someone who held my hand through that pain. In that moment, I had something worth fighting for.
My work situation didn't help my depression. Living in Plymouth, away from family, didn't help the situation. So we decided to move to Finland, to finally get me help and start life from a fresh slate.
We moved to Finland, and it helped almost immediately, but I still had very difficult anxiety attacks and depression days every few weeks. But instead of daily, it was every few weeks. And that was a huge relief after YEARS of constant pain.
Fast forward two years of living in Finland..
I asked for help. I started accepting terms for some of the things that had happened over the course of my life. I started accepting my past and choosing to move forward. I sought professional help. I pursued Jesus. And I can now say that with the help of daily rituals, a bunch of miraculous healing, and of course, a support structure - this month marks a full year without any anxiety / panic attacks, and no depression days.
This is the first year that I feel fully myself, ready to live life fully in freedom. But that's for another post.
Here's me saying that if you're struggling - you're not alone. Choose to fight. Choose to push those lies away and choose truth. You are beautiful, wonderful, talented and you have people who love you. Surround yourself with those people and no matter how much it hurts, choose to focus on the good around you. Choose to live. x
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